Oprah
Winfrey tells us that the key to relationships is to validate others. I
add: do it with love. All people have one thing in common: they all want
validation. They want to know: Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I am saying mean anything to
you? Validation means that you may tell them: I see you. I hear you. And what
you say matters to me.
Validation means that you consider the other person as
intelligent and attractive. And if you want to practice an upgraded validation,
add this: find the other person wonderful and enchanting!
Validation may start with compliments. With showing
approval. With making the other feel accepted.
To tolerate the anxiety of allowing people to
disapprove of you.
Jessica Cohen suggests three important ways to provide validation:
Be physically
present. When you are
with someone, really be in the moment with them. Make eye contact during
conversation and avoid unnecessary distractions. Let that person know you
care by giving them your full attention. Give a hug, a pat on the shoulder or
hold a hand when it is needed.
Be empathetic. When you feel sympathy for
someone, you recognize their emotional response to a situation. As Oprah
stated, people simply want others to understand them. Our innate ability
to see an issue from another person’s perspective is authentic, it is real and
it provides validation.
Be an active listener. Active listening is focusing on the
conversation at hand and nothing else. It means giving the other person
your full attention. It is a sign of consideration and respect.
Validate others, but do not try to be validated. That
is freedom. Try to be self-validated. Remember the Prayer of Saint Francis:
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be
understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.
We may add: Grant that I may not so much seek to be
validated as to validate!
But a friend of mine asked me: how can I validate that
awful person?
The answer to this question will be in my next blog.
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